THE GREAT SPITTING EPIDEMIC

SUBJECT: Expectoration on the public right-of-way — findings of record. Filed by the Office of Expectoration Metrics.

A longitudinal study of road-cyclist expectoration habits, conducted under Form AAR-BIO-12.

The Bureau finds that the nation’s roadways now function, in aggregate, as the largest continuously operating outdoor spittoon presently on record.

SUMMARY OF FINDINGS

FIGURE	FINDING
0.041 fl oz	Mean expectorate deposited per rider-mile (σ = 0.011; n = 2,847)
91.4%	Share of expectoration events preceding no observable shoulder-check (95% CI: 89.6–93.2)
6,234	Vehicles logged as incidental-contact recipients, FY2024 (Docket EM-6234)
2,847	Riders enrolled in the observation cohort, six-month window

FIELD OBSERVATION OF RECORD

Observation opened at 06:14 on a Saturday under clear conditions. A cohort of forty-one (41) riders crested a grade in staggered formation and, within a 2.3-second interval, initiated what the observing team logged as a coordinated expectoration event. The Office notes the near-simultaneity in the record without characterizing intent, which falls outside the Office’s mandate.

“I thought someone had opened a fire hydrant. Then I realized it was fifteen cyclists doing their thing. My windshield looked like it had driven through a car wash — backwards.”

— Janet Morrison, Honda Civic owner, entered as witness statement W-0415-12

METHODOLOGY OF RECORD

87 trained observers, expectoration-handling certified
234 high-speed cameras (12,000 fps capture rate)
1 mobile laboratory for volumetric saliva analysis
3 dedicated deposition-zone monitoring vehicles
Trajectory-mapping software, revision 4
Cleaning supplies for observer vehicles, logged as consumable
Antacids, issued to observers, logged under morale

PEAK EXPECTORATION HOURS: A TIMELINE

06:00 – 08:00

Activity Classification: MODERATE

Warm-up phase. The Office logged a mean of 127 discrete events per rider-hour. Coffee-attributable viscosity noted in the record.

08:00 – 11:00

Activity Classification: CRITICAL

Peak interval. Advanced hydration correlated with elevated deposition volume. Observers logged trajectories the record describes, conservatively, as “hose-like.”

11:00 – 14:00

Activity Classification: MODERATE-HIGH

Gel-pack consumption raised viscosity. Event frequency fell while measured projectile distance rose 37% (n = 411).

16:00 – 19:00

Activity Classification: CRITICAL

Evening formations coincided with commuter volume. Maximum motorist exposure documented for the study period.

TRAJECTORY ANALYSIS

The Office documented that 91.4% of observed events followed a lateral-release profile the record designates the “Sideways Shotgun” pattern — a technique that maximizes surface coverage while affording adjacent vehicles, pedestrians, and property no observable consideration. The Office records the pattern; it does not endorse it.

CASE STUDY: DOCKET EM-0323

On March 23, 2025, a rider traveling at approximately 18 mph executed a Category 5 expectoration event measured at 23 feet lateral displacement, terminating on a convertible operated with the top retracted.

Logged damages: $847 professional detailing; $2,400 subsequent counseling; one (1) operator’s stated loss of faith in humanity, filed without appraisal.

Rider statement on record: “Share the road, dude.”

REGIONAL VARIATION

REGION	MEAN EVENTS/MILE	DOMINANT PROFILE	CLASSIFICATION
Pacific Northwest	847	Artisanal, Locally Sourced	EXTREME
Colorado	1,043	High-Altitude Power Deposition	CRITICAL
California	1,256	Group Deposition, Documented	CATASTROPHIC
Texas	623	Elevated Individual Volume	HIGH
New England	934	Accompanied by Written Justification	SEVERE
Florida	412	Year-Round, Uniformly Hydrated	MODERATE

THE HYDRATION PARADOX

The record notes an internal inconsistency the Office is obligated to flag. The observed population carries substantial onboard hydration and maintains a stated commitment to electrolyte balance. That same population then discharges the majority of said hydration onto the public right-of-way at velocity.

Mean intake was measured at 24 fl oz per rider-hour. Mean expulsion, over the same interval, was measured at 47 fl oz. The Office is unable to reconcile the balance and has referred the discrepancy to the Office of Corridor Capacity for review.

DEPOSITION CALCULATOR

FIGURE	MEASUREMENT
487	Discrete events per 10-mile transect (median; IQR 61)
1.41 L	Aggregate volume per 10-mile transect (± 0.09 L)
89.2%	Fraction terminating on public property (n = 2,847)

Compiled from AARBAA’s six-month longitudinal cohort of 2,847 riders under Form AAR-BIO-12.

WITNESS STATEMENTS ENTERED INTO THE RECORD

“I was walking my dog when a rider passed and deposited directly onto my shoe. My dog looked offended. When the dog is registering a complaint, the Bureau is inclined to take the filing seriously.”

— Karen T., statement W-0415-31

“I’ve seen Marine Corps boot camp. I’ve seen college frat parties. Nothing prepared me for the aggregate volume a 50-rider formation produces on a Sunday morning.”

— Robert M., statement W-0415-44

“My six-year-old asked me why the man in the tight clothing was depositing everywhere. I had no answer on file.”

— Michelle S., statement W-0415-58

“I ride, and I find this indefensible. Some of us swallow. It is not a heavy lift.”

— Tom R., statement W-0415-63

SUBMITTED JUSTIFICATIONS, WITH THE OFFICE’S DISPOSITION

“It’s part of the sport.”

So is the attire. Neither is thereby appropriate to every setting. Professional baseball manages the practice within an enclosed facility; the public roadway is not one.

“We need to clear our airways.”

The Office notes that runners complete comparable exertion without converting the sidewalk into a hazard surface. Swallowing remains available as a control measure.

“It’s biodegradable.”

So is a great deal that is nonetheless regulated where it is deposited. Biodegradability does not, on its own, satisfy the standard for public-property discharge.

“Nobody’s forcing you to watch.”

The Office notes that a projectile crossing three travel lanes onto a windshield does not require an observer’s consent to arrive.

RECOMMENDATIONS OF THE OFFICE

Designated deposition zones. Provision of dedicated infrastructure where expectoration may occur without incidental exposure of adjacent parties.
Onboard containment. Evaluation of a frame-mounted collection apparatus, referred to the Office of Corridor Capacity for feasibility.
Public advisory. A right-of-way signage program advancing swallowing as the recommended default.
Graduated penalty schedule. Any event exceeding 10 feet lateral displacement or terminating on a vehicle or pedestrian assessed at $500; repeat findings referred to mandatory hydration-management instruction.
Instructional module. Coverage of wind-direction awareness and minimum separation from adjacent persons.

CONCLUSION

The Office does not dispute that exertion is difficult or that respiration under load produces saliva. The record simply establishes that comparable populations — runners, hikers, and the more strenuous fitness disciplines — complete their activity while retaining their bodily fluids. The applicable standard is not demanding. It is, by the Office’s own phrasing, on the ground.

The Bureau is not requesting a miracle. It is requesting that deposition be confined to private property or dedicated infrastructure rather than shared public space. The Office regards this as a reasonable and attainable standard.

FILE YOUR OBSERVATION

Report a documented event to your regional AARBAA field office on Form AAR-BIO-12. Enroll as an observer

Figures compiled by the Office of Expectoration Metrics under Form AAR-BIO-12. The Bureau does not round.